Reluctant star
Riley said one day, “I don’t know how to voice my accomplishments.”
Before our coaching had begun, Janice, Riley’s boss, made it clear she supported Riley a hundred-and-ten percent. Janice experienced Riley as honest, open, diligent, thorough and accurate. But she felt Riley needed a bigger presence. Janice’s goal for the coaching was that Riley become more visible.
At this stage of Riley’s coaching, we were discussing whether she could create a bigger presence by changing how she talked about herself at work. That’s what had prompted her “can’t voice accomplishments” comment.
She went on, “You know a moment I really hate? These presentations to the Board. I make them every month. The presentations themselves are fine. It’s the moments before.
“I get brought into the room when it’s my turn, but these are all-day meetings. Between presentations they get up, they get a drink, go pee, start talking with each other.
“I’m stuck twiddling my thumbs. No matter what I do, I feel like a kid who wandered in on the group-ups.”
“What happens?” I asked.
“Well, here’s where I am a total nitwit when it comes to talking about myself. Inevitably someone wanders over. They see me every month but they don’t really know me. So the person says, ‘Remind me what you do exactly.’ Ugh! I hate that moment!”
“Why?” I asked.
“Well, I don’t want to just start bragging about myself, but at the same time I know it’s an opportunity. So I usually tell them about the report I’m about to give. But it’s all about this diversity and inclusion project, but I’m not a diversity and inclusion person!”
“No, you’re the Open person, right?” Riley’s expertise was in a sector called Open.
“Right! But I don’t want to start yapping about Open. Believe me, no one understands it.”
“Could you give them a headline about Open?” I asked.
“Not really. That’s the problem.”
“Really? That’s surprising. I’ve never met a topic I couldn’t headline. I’ll take your word for it – for now. But we might come back to that.” I asked, “Can we take another tack?”
“I didn’t know we were on one, so sure.”
“Would you build us a list?”
She swung her pad around. “Sure. What sort of list?”
Build the ‘expertise list’
I said, “Build a list of everything that you do well. Think over the course of a year. You do all sorts of things, right? Build a list of all the ones you’re really good at.”
I stopped talking.
She thought and wrote and thought and wrote. She ended up with a list of ten items, ranging from management skills, to her gift with data, to her oral and written skills.
After she read me the list, I said, “Nice list. Does that feel like bragging?”
“No,” she replied.
“Oh, good. But am I right that sometimes talking about yourself does feel like bragging?”
“Well, yeah! I am super-allergic to bragging. I even hear myself telling my daughters to stop bragging.”
Riley had 12-year-old twins.
I laughed. “How does that go over?”
She laughed, too. “Actually they’re great. They’re completely sunshiny about their bragging. They say, ‘We’re not bragging, Mom! It’s who we ARE!’ And they flounce on out. The concept of bragging has no meaning to them.”
“Does that annoy you?”
“No! I’d love to be as bold as they are. But I’m not.”
I pointed back at the pad. “You said that didn’t feel like bragging.”
She gave that a thought. “No, it didn’t, did it? Why not, do you suppose?”
“I don’t know. Why not?”
“I’m not sure. Maybe because you asked me to think over the span of a year. I had to helicopter out of myself, you know? Look from higher up. From up there, it’s easier to see the patterns, right? Patterns are like evidence. It’s not bragging if you have evidence!”
That made me laugh. “I suppose!”
Label the items
Looking at her pad, she asked, “So now I have this nice non-bragging list. What do I do with it? Whip it out when some Board member asks me what I do?”
I said, “Look at the ten items and see if any of them naturally group together. You’re looking for labels. See if you can cluster two or three or four items under one label.”
From her list of ten, she came up with four labels. Her four labels were: People. Process. Insights. Outreach.
I asked, “So keep these four labels in mind. Now think about one of those awkward Boardroom interactions. Would having those four labels change anything?”
She came up blank. “Change how?”
“Suppose you get the ‘What do you do exactly?’ question. Now you have four different folders you could talk about. People and Process and the others. And those folders have more folders inside them. Knowing you have those topics ready to go, would that make a difference?”
“What would I say? Like, ‘I do people’? Or ‘I do process’?” She gave a sarcastic bark of a laugh. “Ha! Sounds like a real conversation starter!”
Speak your labels
I laughed, too. “How about something like, ‘One thing I’m known for is how I work with my people.’ Or ‘One thing I’m focusing on these days is Insights.’ How about something like that?”
She drew away and squinted. “That is right on the edge of bragging.”
“But could you do it?”
She tested the words. “’These days I’m focusing a lot on Insights and Outreach.’ Huh! And if they want to know more, I can tell them more, right?”
I nodded but didn’t speak.
“I get it. Yes – to answer your question – having labels like that would make a difference. Where else could I use this?”
“Anywhere!”
“Like in a meeting?”
“Absolutely! Meetings are perfect,” I said.
“What’s that sound like?”
Expertise in meetings
“Well, start by choosing a label that would match your role in the meeting. Let’s say Insights.”
“Okay,” she said.
“During the meeting, you’re going to put that label in front of you like a pair of glasses. It’s going to re-focus everything you see.”
“Like a filter,” she said.
“Right. During that meeting, every idea you hear, every comment you make is going to go through the Insights filter.”
“And what does that translate into?”
I said, “So let’s say some idea is being bounced around. You’re going to contribute your ideas in a minute. Well, wait. You do contribute your ideas in meetings, don’t you?”
“Oh, yeah!” She gave a sly smile.
“Good. So an idea is being discussed. And you’ve been listening through your Insights filter, right?”
“Right,” she said.
“When your turn comes, you begin by naming your filter. You say something like, ‘I’m listening to this through the lens of ‘Insights’ and what occurs to me is…’” I paused a second, then said, “Or ‘If I put my Insights hat on, what comes to mind is …’”
“That’s nice,” she nodded. “I’m naming my expertise.”
I nodded in agreement but didn’t speak.
She smiled at me as if she’d figured out a secret. “I could do this every day, couldn’t I? Like, I could be talking to Janice and say, ‘The People part of me thinks that’s a great idea, but the Process part of me has some doubt.’”
I nodded in agreement.
She seemed pleased. Then she asked, “What was that idea you said we’d go back for?”
“Right! Thanks! Remember I asked if you could headline Open and you said no?”
“Yes?”
Labels instead of a headline
“Well, I still think we could find a headline, but in the meantime, you can use your labels to talk about Open. If you want to be the Open expert, tell people what filters you use when you think about Open.”
“And how would that sound?” she asked.
I spoke slowly. “You say something like, ‘Open is really complex. But no matter where I find myself in the Open world, I find myself solving problems using the same four tools over and over: people, processes, Insights and Outreach.’”
“Oh! I see how this works!” she said. “I’d have to change it a little but, yes, I get it!”
“It wouldn’t feel like bragging?”
“No. You know why not? Because I think it’s helpful. I’m telling people how to listen to my ideas. That’s helpful.”
“Oh, good,” I said.
“And besides,” she said, “it’s accurate! I really do use those filters when I think about my work. It’s not bragging at all. It’s fact.”
“Great!”
“You know what this is like?” she asked, as if it were a delicious secret. “This is like a hypnotic suggestion. If I keep saying I’m good at Insights, sooner or later, when people talk about Insights, someone’s going to say, ‘We’ve got to talk to Riley. She’s the expert at Insights.’”
“Yes! That’s exactly what happens,” I said.
“But it must take time,” she countered.
“It does.”
“So repetition is important.”
“It is,” I agreed.
Riley got fierce about looking through, and naming, her four filters. Asserting her expertise led to her having a bigger presence which inevitably led her to The Look & Sound of Leadership.
