‘My Work Should Speak for Itself’

Neela was known to be brilliant. She had turned around two teams without seeming to have broken a sweat. As a reward, she was given a third team to turn around. Four months into that new role, her company reached out to me and asked me to be her coach.

Her HR business partner made it clear: the company viewed Neela as an enormous asset. They wanted her to be happy. They also felt she had more value to give. They wanted her to share her knowledge, advocate for her group and advocate for herself. They wanted her to be bigger, more executive.

Neela wanted all that for herself, too.

“I’ve never been a good advocate for myself,” she told me. “It always felt icky to me, like I was bragging. I’m still that way. My work should speak for itself. I shouldn’t have to tell everyone about it.”

“I think your work does speak for itself, Neela,” I said. “The company loves you. And, in addition, they want you to advocate for yourself more. Would you want that?”

“Want it? Yes. Will I do it? I don’t know. I never have,” she said.

“That’s certainly something we could talk about, Neela,” I said.

“Now?” she said.

“If you like,” I said, “but I meant more like it could be one of the topics we visit regularly throughout the coaching. We could check in on it and see how your self-advocacy is going.”

“How would it be ‘going’ anywhere? It’s not going anywhere now.”

“Homework,” I answered. “I could give you homework. You’d go out, play with it, and come back and talk about whatever happened.”

“Homework like what?” she asked, deeply curious.

Building Self-Awareness

“Well, I don’t know you yet, so I don’t know what you’ll like, but it might be something like this: between now and our next conversation, note the number of times when you think of something to say, then choose not to say it. You don’t have to do anything about it, just keep track. Where were you? Who was with you? Where did you feel it in your body? What did you tell yourself? How frequently is it happening? Then, you and I would talk about all that. That might be a piece of homework. What does that sound like?”

“That actually sounds great. I could probably find examples of myself doing that this past week! But, no, seriously, I’d like to try that. That’s great. So, then I come back and tell you about it, and then what?”

“And then we figure out the next best step to keep building your self-advocacy muscle. Wherever you’re at, we add homework about awareness, or about behavior, like you’d add weights on a machine in the gym. And you begin to get stronger.”

She took a breath. “I’d love to build that muscle. My older sister has it. I watch her, she’s so great about speaking for herself. She’s not harsh or mean, she’s just a straight shooter. I’ve always admired her for it, but it’s not anything I can do.”

“Until now, maybe,” I said.

She laughed. “Maybe! I’m willing. Like I said, I admire it.”

“Do you know what stops you?” I asked.

“I don’t like being the center of attention. Never have. Speaking for yourself is turning the spotlight on your own face. I’d rather keep my nose down and keep plugging away.”

“What happens when there’s something you want? A project? Or an idea? Or a promotion? Do you advocate for things like that?”

“A project or an idea, maybe, yes. A promotion? Probably not.”

“Too personal?” I asked.

Self-Limiting Beliefs

“Exactly! When it’s about something work related, it’s easier. But a promotion is clearly something I want for myself. That’s when it feels icky. That’s when I want my work to speak for itself.”

“Huh,” I said. “Normally, at this point in this conversation, I say something about believing that your work will speak for itself is like believing in the Tooth Fairy. You’ve got to get real about how the world works: if you can’t advocate for yourself, in addition to your hard work, you’re going to stall. That’s my normal line, but maybe you’re the exception to the rule. Your hard work is being recognized, and you don’t seem impatient or unhappy.”

“Well, I did think this last move was going to come with a promotion. Or at least a bump in pay.”

“It didn’t? Neither one?” I asked.

“Neither one,” she replied.

“And …?” I asked.

“And what? I understand budgets are tight. And it isn’t the right time of year for promotions, anyway. I’m not going to raise a stink.”

“’Raise a stink?’ How would you raise a stink?” I asked.

“I’m not going to complain about, ‘oh, there was no raise,’ or ‘there was no new title, woe is me.’ I’ll wait my turn,” she said. Then she said, “What? What are you smiling about?”

I said, “I’m thinking about your sister. I’m thinking, ‘I’ll wait my turn,’ is probably not a phrase you’d hear out of her mouth.”

She laughed. “That’s true. It’s not. And you’re saying I shouldn’t be saying it either?”

“I’m not sure it’s serving you,” I said.

“Well, I don’t know,” she said, raising her eyebrows and rolling her eyes. “I think it’s serving me pretty well. It lets me off the hook from having to advocate for myself. That’s a pretty big service, I’d say!”

“That it is,” I agreed solemnly.

“No, but kidding aside. You’re right. ‘I’ll wait my turn’ shouldn’t be my mantra. Neither should, ‘I don’t want to make a stink.’ I think I have a lot of things like that that I say to myself.”

I offered, “You could start tracking them.”

“Homework?” she asked.

I nodded. “You could.”

Homework for Speaking in Meetings

She considered, then said, “You know where I’d like some homework? Stephen’s staff meetings. He’s my boss. He has weekly staff meetings with all us department heads, seven of us. He told me, I’m not speaking up enough in those meetings. I think it’s one of the things he wants you to help me with. What kind of homework would you give me there?”

“I can think of two things off the top of my head. They’re related. The first one is ‘speak in the first ten minutes of the meeting.’ It doesn’t need to be much. Something like, ‘Good idea,’ or ‘I can imagine that.’ Those would count. Speak in the first ten minutes. That’s the first challenge. What does that sound like?”

“The first ten minutes is usually Stephen talking to all of us, so I’m not sure I can just start tossing in comments,” she said.

“Does anyone speak while Stephen’s talking? Or is everyone quiet?” I asked.

“I think everyone’s quiet. I’m pretty sure I’m right.”

“Well, if no one speaks except Stephen, then I’m not suggesting you be the first person to break that rule. But I’d challenge you to look for opportunities. There might be conversations as the meeting is getting started. That would count. Get your voice in the room in the first ten minutes.”

She said, “I suppose I could even talk before I sit down. I usually don’t chat much. I just come in and sit down. Or I’m on Zoom where no one speaks up anyway. But, yes, maybe when we’re in the office, I could do it. I’ll see. So that’s the first one. Talk in the first ten minutes. What was the second one?”

“The second one is a variation on talk in the first ten minutes. But this one is about frequency throughout the whole meeting. Here’s how I describe it. Imagine you have an AI assistant following you around. When you’re with people, like in Stephen’s staff meetings, or a project meeting, or one-on-one, whatever, this assistant is going to capture everything and create a transcript for you to review. And when you review it, you’re going to note how often your name shows up as the speaker. If pages of transcript go by and your name’s not there, you need to get yourself on the record more often. You need to speak up. Your name should be showing up regularly. No sitting quietly.”

“And if I weren’t sitting quietly, what would I be saying?”

“Well, you might have an idea and choose to say it out loud instead of staying silent. Turn the spotlight on yourself.”

“Oh, that,” she said.

“But it also could be an interjection, like before. ‘Good idea,’ or ‘I can imagine that.’ There are lots of those. ‘That’s interesting.’ ‘I hadn’t thought of that.’ ‘I like that.’ Just speak your experience.”

She looked down, chewing her cheek a little.

Gender in the Workplace

After a minute, she said, “I’m thinking about Stephen’s meetings and who speaks up and who doesn’t. I’m wondering if this a gender issue. Are the men speaking up more than the women?”

“What do you think?” I asked.

“Well, let me ask you first. What would you expect?”

“In my experience, I coach as many men as women on this issue of speaking for themselves.”

“Really? I wouldn’t have expected that. I would’ve thought you’d coach a lot more women.”

“Well, I want to be clear. In the world at large, I think more women struggle with this than men. In rooms where gender is fifty-fifty, women often speak up less than men. Yes, that’s true. But in my world, in terms of who asks for my help to find their voice, it’s as many men as women. But you were thinking about gender in Stephen’s meetings. What do you think? Are women speaking up less than men?”

“I don’t think so,” she said. “If I’m right, everyone’s about equal – except me. I don’t think this is a gender issue. I think it’s a ‘me’ issue.”

Neela was a diligent student. The homework often made her uncomfortable. She’d report back to me about how difficult some of the assignments were. But she gave herself a lot of grace and had humor about her struggle. And, as I see so often in my fearless, inspiring clients, she began to build muscle, which allowed her to draw herself closer to The Look & Sound of Leadership.