Provoking war

Mandalit and I had tackled an idea that unsettled her: setting boundaries. She was a life-long “good girl” who, despite her success in business, often struggled to advocate for herself.

After we’d explored the idea of setting a boundary, she asked, “Suppose I do set a boundary. I’m guessing that’s not the end of the conversation. What happens next?”

I smiled and said, “Then you have to hold it.”

She gave a little grunt. “Ugh! I hear those words and think of going to war. It terrifies me.”

I nodded, “Some people do go to war, don’t they? But that’s not what I mean by ‘holding a boundary.’ Holding a boundary is meant to be healthy. Like I said before, boundaries are self-care. Are you worried about going to war?”

“I’m not sure. I guess. A little. I worry the leadership team will think I’m a whiner. Or a bitch. Would that be a war? Probably not because I’d surrender right away so they don’t get upset.”

“Mandalit, that is so powerful. Can we unpack that a little?” I asked.

“Sure,” she said.

“If we’re going to discuss holding a boundary, let’s use one of the situations you’ve already mentioned. Do you want to use the one about the leadership team asking you to move or you asking your husband to turn down the TV?” We had discussed both earlier.

“Asking my husband to turn down the TV? That’s so stupid. Let’s do the leadership team.”

“Wait. Stupid why?” I asked.

“Because, I don’t know, it feels so trivial.”

I said, “Wanting your husband to turn down the TV is something you want. By its very nature, your want can’t be trivial. You are entitled to want things, Mandalit. You are entitled to ask for what you want. Calling your wants trivial erases them. Don’t. They’re yours.”

She said, “Thanks. Okay. I get that. But I still have no idea what I’d ever say.”

Rehearsing holding a boundary

I said, “Then let’s give it a dry run. Suppose I’m your husband. The TV is cranked up. You’d like me to turn it down. What would you do?”

“Yikes, this is embarrassing,” she said. “Okay, uh, what would I say? I’d say, ‘Uh, Jorge, sorry to bother you. I know you like it when you get painted in sound, but, uh, I’m trying to read some stuff from work in there, and uh, well, could you maybe turn down the TV a little?’”

I could see that had been hard for her. I said, “Wow. Bravo, Mandalit. How was that?”

She was surprised. “That was okay!”

I asked, “If you asked him that, would there be ripples? Would he be hurt? Would you lose sleep? Anything like that?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“So there you go! You just set a boundary. And if there aren’t any ripples, it should be pretty easy to hold.”

She gave a little laugh of relief. “Okay!”

I asked, “Can I point out two things I noticed? Well, three actually.”

“Sure,” she said.

“First, when you want to set a boundary, avoid apologies. You don’t need to apologize for asking for what you want.”

She asked, “When I did that just now, did I apologize?”

“Well, almost. You began with the words, ‘Sorry to bother you.’”

“Did I? I don’t remember that,” she said.

“We could debate whether it’s an apology or bridge-building. But either way, when you’re setting a boundary, avoid apologizing. That’s the first thing.”

She gave a grunt. “That’ll be a challenge. Okay. What else?”

Using their words

“Well, this next thing is something I thought was excellent.”

“Really? Beginner’s luck, probably.”

I went on. “You said, ‘I know you like to get painted in sound.’ That is so specific. I’m guessing that’s something your husband has told you about himself.”

She raised her eyebrows. “It is!”

“When you’re setting a boundary, using the other person’s words can be really helpful. It acknowledges his position. You’re letting him know you’ve heard him and you have something you want to ask. Using their language as part of your ask can be really effective.”

She made a note and asked, “Was there a third thing?”

“Yes, the third thing is interesting. Tell me what you think. You said, ‘I’m trying to do some reading for work.’ When I heard that, my first thought was that it was like an apology. You were giving your want importance, like validating it. That’s a defensive posture, like an apology. But then I thought, no, maybe it’s an opening for trading stories.”

“Trading stories? Is that part of setting a boundary?” she asked, a little incredulous.

Stories avoid war

“It can help hold a boundary,” I said. “You know how we were talking about people going to war over a boundary? One reason people get upset in these conversations is because they don’t know each other’s stories. Suppose you come to me, you ask for whatever it is you want from me – “

“Without apologizing,” she threw in.

“Right, without apologizing. You ask your ask, but what I hear is a demand. I hear the end of your thinking. ‘Turn down the TV’ or ‘I want to stay with my team.’ What I do not hear is any of the thinking that got you to that conclusion. I don’t know why you’re asking. I don’t know what it means for us going forward. I don’t know your story. And you don’t know mine. If we trade stories, holding the boundary gets easier.”

She asked, “So ‘trading stories’ would be like me saying, ‘I have to read this stuff from work’?”

“Maybe. But haven’t you wanted him to turn down the TV before? It’s not always about reading from work, is it?”

“No,” she said.

“Talking about why you want him to turn the TV in the first place – that would be the story to tell.”

“Oh, I see.”

“So what might that sound like, Mandalit?”

She smiled a little sheepishly. “I’ve never liked loud noise. It’s why I never go to concerts. Even in the movies sometimes, it’s just too loud for me.”

“That’s a perfect example of a story you could trade.”

She was nodding and thinking.

After a moment I asked, “Can I add two more tools or are you already full up?”

She smiled, “No, bring them on.”

Intention x 2

“Okay, it can help you hold a boundary if you…” I held up one finger, “state your intention,” I held up another, “and assume good intent.”

She was taking notes. She said, “Stating my intention would be like ‘I want to be able to read my stuff from work,’ right?”

“No, intentions aren’t about actions, they’re about why you’re bringing this up. What do you intend by setting this boundary? In your case, I might state my intention by saying, ‘I know you like to get painted in sound and I’m trying to do some reading for work. My intention isn’t to ruin your experience. My intention is to agree on something we can both feel good about.’”

She laughed a little. “You started with a negative. What your intention isn’t. That’s pretty clever. So I could say to the leadership team, ‘It isn’t my intention to appear ungrateful.’”

“Perfect, yes, you could. Stating what your intention is and isn’t can help de-escalate the situation. One phrase I use is, ‘It’s not my intention to put you on the defensive.’ It’s amazing how that can calm things down. Most people hear it as an olive branch.”

She was trying to take it all in. She gulped some air, then asked, “What’s the second one? That was about intention, too, right?”

I laughed again. “I hadn’t meant it that way, but, yes, you’re right, it absolutely is. This is about me assuming good intent on the other side. No matter what happens, I’m going to assume good intent. I’m going to remember that holding boundaries is self-care and the other person is trying to hold their boundaries, just like I’m trying to hold mine. Assume good intent.”

“Don’t take it personally,” she said. “I think you know, I suck at that.”

“But you can develop the muscle, Mandalit. I don’t think anybody’s been born who doesn’t take things personally. We all do. And we can all get better at it.”

She said, “This is what you talked about before, right? If they get all emotional, I didn’t cause that. It’s not about me. Don’t take their reactions personally.”

“Yes, right. And sometimes, it’s hard, because even with these skills, people sometimes react in ways that are upsetting. But it’s less likely when you can use these tools.”

It ended up that Mandalit’s leadership team did not ask her to move to a new role, so she never had to set that boundary. But she did ask her husband to turn down the TV. She was delighted to find that, even at home, she could benefit from The Look & Sound of Leadership.