Creating upset
Meg liked having things in order. As she saw it, order happened when people, including herself, followed rules. Living by rules gave Meg fierce certainty.
Meg was given a coach because people were often upset with her. I asked her what she knew about people being upset with her.
She said, âMy standards are naturally high. Iâm not unreasonable. But I know what good work looks like and Iâm not going to accept anything less.â
âAnd that upsets people?â I asked.
âI guess so. I guess people donât like being told theyâve missed the mark. But thatâs my job. Sorry!â
I said, âSuppose I was the one whoâd missed the mark. What would I hear from you?â
She gave a laugh. âWell, youâd hear something different today than a year ago. This woman from HR I worked with told me I should start with questions and do some investigating before I tell them what needs fixing.â
âInvestigating?â I asked. âWhat are you investigating?â
âWhat went wrong. Or at least their version of what went wrong. But usually itâs pretty clear that whatever happened, they should have known better. These are not junior people.â
âHas it made a difference, starting with questions? Are people less upset with you?â
âTo be honest, Tom, no, I donât think itâs made much of a difference at all. People are still upset with me.â
âInteresting. So can I go back to that question I asked. Suppose I was the guy who missed the mark. You start by asking questions, after that, what would I hear from you?â
She said, âProbably something like, âWhat you brought me doesnât match the requirements. Go back and make sure you meet all the requirements.â Thereâs not much else to say.â
âAnd this exchange is upsetting people?â I asked.
âI think so, yeah,â she answered.
I paused, considering, then asked, âWould you agree somethingâs missing?â
âWhat do you mean?â she asked.
Whereâs the trigger?
âWell, what you told me has no trigger. Youâre giving feedback. I agree. Thatâs your job. Thereâs nothing in that story for a reasonable person to get upset about. But reasonable people are getting upset. So Iâm thinking thereâs a trigger hidden somewhere in that story and our job might be to find it.â
âLike a blind spot?â she asked.
âI donât know, Meg. Maybe. Can I ask a different question?â
âSure,â she said.
âLetâs go back to you telling me I have to re-do the work and meet all the requirements. Those are your words. What are your thoughts? What are you thinking about me?â
âThat I hope youâre not an idiot,â she said. âLike I said, these are not junior people, Tom. They should know better. And when they donât, I worry that maybe theyâre an idiot.â
âStrong feelings,â I said.
âRight! If Iâve hired idiots, itâs going to be a problem,â she said.
I looked at her and smiled. âHow good an actress are you?â
âWhat? No! I am not an actress. I do not like being the center of attention.â
I smiled. âNo, I mean an everyday actress. How good are you at smiling and telling someone, âWhy, bless your heart,â but thinking you wish theyâd drop dead?â
âOh,â she said, âIâm the worst poker player ever. My wife knows not to tell me anything she wants kept secret.â
âBut, wait,â I said, âyou tell me youâre worried your direct reports might be idiots. Are they going to see that on your face?â
She stopped. A bit alarmed, she said, âI donât know. I hope not. But they probably do, donât they?â
I nodded, saying, âIf youâre the worst poker player ever, yeah, they probably do.â
Really! They should have!
She thought, then drew herself up. âBut hold on, Tom. Whatâs wrong if they do see that I think they shouldâve known better. They should have! If they donât know better, our team is in trouble.â
I held up a finger. âYou said, âIf they donât know better, our team is in trouble.â But itâs not an âifâ condition, Meg. Itâs the actual real-life condition: they did not know better. They made that mistake. That happened. But why does that mean the team is in trouble? I donât see why that follows.â
She said, âIf weâre making rookie mistakes? Okay, maybe weâre not âin trouble,â but, come on, it doesnât bode well.â
I didnât say anything.
She said, âOh, come on, you canât tell me that the quality of the work doesnât matter.â
I cocked a brow and, smiling, said, âQuality matters. I agree. But I donât think people are upset because you want quality.â
She stopped. âOh! Did you figure out the trigger?â
âMaybe. Iâm thinking maybe the trigger is embedded in the idea that anyone âshould know betterâ about anything, ever. To me, as soon as I think you âshould have known better,â Iâve diminished you. Iâve judged you and found you lacking. Itâs a shaming statement. âShame on you for not knowing better!â No one likes feeling diminished or shamed. Yes, your judgment could be triggering people being upset with you.â
Openly, without defense, she asked, âIs that what theyâre getting from me? Judgment?â
I shrugged. âI donât know. For myself â speaking as someone who knows a lot about being judgy! â I learned that when I could notice myself thinking those words it was guaranteed that I was being judgy. Learning to hear those words in my head raised my awareness. I saw those words as a thinking error.â
Checking to be sure, she asked, âThe words âyou shouldâve known better?ââ
I nodded yes.
She asked, âWhy are they a thinking error?â
A thinking error because . . .
I smiled and pointed at her, âMeg, you should have known better! You should have known exactly what I was thinking and been able to anticipate what was important to me and to know how I was going to react. You should have been able to mind-read me, Meg! Geez! Come on!â
She smiled. âOkay. I see why itâs a thinking error. Thatâs funny. What did you mean when you said it was guaranteed you were being judgy?â
I stopped and looked away. Then, coming back to her, I said, âThe part of me that generates the idea âyou shouldâve known betterâ is the same part of me that takes things personally. âI am upset because you didnât do what I wanted in the way I wanted.â And the part of me that takes your actions personally feels victimized. Itâs natural, when you feel victimized, to protect yourself by judging the other person, diminish the other person.â
Now it was her turn to look away. She thought then said, âYou know what I picture? A sneer. A classic lip curl. God, my mom did that like a champ. Ew! I hope Iâm not doing that to people. Thatâd be awful.â
I watched. She remained thoughtful.
Finally turning back to me, she said, âJudgment is me thinking Iâm better than them, isnât it? Iâve heard that before â people tell me I think that, that Iâm better than them.â
âHuh!â I said. âWhat do you think about that?â
âWell, I donât mean to. I donât think Iâm better than anyone. Iâm really good at some things, I mean, like really good. Always have been. But thereâs plenty Iâm not good at, and I know that.â
I smiled, âThose things youâre not good at, do you care about them? Iâm guessing when you do care about something, you get good at it. Do you care about the things you arenât good at?â
She gave a chuckle. âNo! One of our girls is into this particular board game. She wants me to play it with her all the time but Iâm horrible at it because itâs exactly that â I just donât care. I keep screwing up the rules.â
âDoes she get impatient with you?â
She gave a hearty laugh. âYou mean, does she say, âMom, you should know better by nowâ? Ha! No, she doesnât. But sheâd be well within her rights if she did! But she doesnât. Sheâs a lot nicer than I am!â
I said, âI asked about caring because a lot people arenât as judgy about things they donât care about. And that may be true for you. I donât know.â
Looking away again, she said, âI donât want to judge people. I donât want to be my mom with the lip curl. Iâm going to work on this. Got any good ideas for me?â
âI have one to get you started. One way to become less judgmental would be to hunt for the switch inside yourself that controls all that judgment and, once you find it, learn to turn it off. But I think thereâs an easier path that leads to the same place: acceptance.â
I paused but she was watching me, waiting.
I went on. âAccept that people make those mistakes. Accept that your daughter wants to play a game you hate. Accept that people will not mind-read you. Accept that whatever happens is a fact. Accept the facts of your life, then figure out what you want to do next. If you can accept that people do things for their own reasons, not yours, what is there to judge?â
âIâm not sure I can imagine a world like that.â
âWell, youâve begun,â I said.
Meg turned her prodigious brain power on acceptance. It was harder than she expected, but she found when she was able to be more accepting, it was easier to show up with The Look & Sound of Leadership.