“Have You Told Him?”

Jon was extolling the excellence of Matthew, one of his direct reports.

When our coaching began, Jon had been endlessly annoyed with Matthew. Chunks of our time were spent with Jon frustrated by all the ways Matthew was not meeting expectations. Now, only four months later, Jon was calling him a high performer.

When Jon got to the end of his praise, I observed, “You’ve both come a long way, Jon. I’m really glad for you. What do you think made this happen?”

Needing no time to consider, Jon said, “All the times you asked me, ‘Have you told him that?’ After about the sixth time, I got the message! Once I started talking directly to him instead of complaining about him to everyone else, he got better.”

I smiled, remembering. Jon was right. Whenever he’d complete one of his lamentations, I would ask, “Have you told Matthew that?” and, most often, he hadn’t.

Jon went on. “But it’s really about him. I could’ve talked forever, but Matthew was the one who had to make the changes. And he has. It’s impressive.”

“So, Jon,” I said with a slow smile, “have you told him that?”

He stopped short. He looked up, searching his memory. “Kind of. Sort of. But, no, not really. Geez, that’s something, isn’t it? Maybe I’m never going to learn this lesson.”

I nodded, “I think you will, Jon, but I actually think this is a whole different lesson. Giving praise isn’t at all the same as giving development feedback.”

“They can’t be that different,” he said. “Feedback is feedback.”

“Maybe,” I said. “But you got comfortable doing one and the other didn’t occur to you, so, I don’t know, maybe they are different.”

“Huh! Maybe! But why would that be true? It doesn’t make sense.”

“Can I tell you my experience?” I asked.

People Expect Criticism

“Sure,” he said.

I said, “I used to teach a presentation skills course that people loved. And here’s what I would do. I would video tape them making a presentation to the class, and then, right there, in front of everyone, I’d play the tape back.”

“And people loved that?” he asked. “Sounds like torture!”

I laughed. “I know. People used to walk into the room at the start of the day. They’d see the video camera on the tripod and they’d freak out. I’d say, ‘It’s going to be okay. I think you’re going to like it.’ And by the end of the day, people were grateful and happy and inspired to work on their presentation skills.”

“If you say so,” he said, still skeptical.

“It’s true, Jon. I think one reason people loved the experience was because I was always conscious, from the first time I taught the course, that there were going to be two kinds of feedback: development feedback – all the ways you could improve – and positive feedback – all the things you should keep doing – and in some cases, turn up the volume! I always, always, always, began someone’s video feedback with at least three positive things the person was doing well. Had to be at least three. And you know what I learned?”

“What?” he asked.

“People don’t know what they’re doing well. Not as presenters. A lot of times, not as leaders, either! I can’t tell you how many clients ask me if what they’re doing is good. They’re doing what they’re doing because that’s how they figured out to do it, but they’re not certain it’s good. And when they get positive feedback from an outsider, they say, ‘Oh! That is good? Great! Thanks for telling me!’”

Positive Feedback Improves the Workplace

Jon said, “I remember you doing that with me. You validated something I’d done – I don’t remember what it was, but I remember the feeling of relief when you said you thought I’d made a good choice.”

“Was it about that email you sent to Nina?” Nina was Jon’s boss.

“Yes! Exactly! I hadn’t been looking for praise. That wasn’t why I told you the story. But that thumbs up from you made me feel better.”

“I understand, Jon,” I said. “It is helpful to know what’s going well. When someone recognizes something we’re doing well, I think some knot inside us relaxes a little. I’m convinced that starting my video feedback with those positive observations changed the feeling in the room. People were expecting criticism, in public, no less! But they got encouragement and support. And they liked it.”

He nodded, saying, “I’ve been thinking who, in my life, has been good with praise. One teacher jumps out. He was always making us feel good about ourselves. I remember, we used to leave his class with so much energy. He was great. Mr. Rosen.”

“Did people get good grades in his class?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Probably. I’m not sure I know.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” I said. “There has been so much research linking high performance to groups who receive positive feedback. When there’s positive feedback employee engagement goes up, conflict goes down, environments get healthier. A lot of studies show positive feedback improves the workplace.”

He asked, “So is there anything special about giving positive feedback? Anything I need to know?”

Notice What’s Going Well

I thought for a second, then said, “Two things. The first one was something I had to learn: notice what’s going well. I’ve come to believe that most of us aren’t wired to notice what’s going well.”

I went on, saying, “I remember in those presentation classes, even though I’d made myself a commitment to start with positive feedback. I’d be standing behind the camera, filming someone’s presentation, they’d be down to like the last minute, and I’d suddenly flinch and think, ‘Oh no! I haven’t been paying any attention to what’s going well!’ I had to consciously kick myself to notice what was going well. And I don’t think I’m all that unusual. The positive feedback channel isn’t automatic for most people. So, my first suggestion for giving positive feedback, learn to notice what’s going well. Remember to look for it.”

With a little wonder on his face, he asked, “I’ve mentioned my girls to you, right?”

“Right,” I said. He had daughters, aged 9 and 12.

“Our nine-year-old is struggling with kids at school. She’s unhappy with them. They’re unhappy with her. And my wife and I feel we’ve become one more unhappy part of her life, and we don’t want to be. When we try to help, all she hears is criticism. We’re not trying to make her unhappy. We’re trying to show her how she could get different results.

“But of course,” he went on, “when someone tells you there’s a better way to do it than the way you’re doing it, criticism is pretty much baked into the premise of the thought, right? So, what you just said is actually what we landed on. Let’s start paying attention to what’s going well with her and leave the rest alone for now.”

“And are some things going well with her?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah, of course. She’s a good kid,” he said. “We’re making a concerted effort to tell her that, instead of all the things she should change.”

“Are you noticing a difference?” I asked.

“A little. We just started a couple weeks ago. We’ll see. But it’s pretty amazing we all had the same idea. Notice what’s going well. So, I’m all on board with that. What’s your second idea?”

Be Specific About What’s Going Well

I said, “Be specific. When you say, ‘good job’ or ‘thanks.’ or ‘that’s great,’ those are not positive feedback. I’m not even sure they qualify as appreciation. They’re completely non-specific. There’s nothing to learn from them. There’s nothing to be grateful for. So, the receiver just hears noise. It’s not going to motivate or inspire anyone.”

He listed, “Be specific, like with development feedback. And remember to notice what’s going well. Anything else?”

“Well, there’s one other thing, but it might be separate from positive feedback. I’m not sure. But it’s something I’m doing more of in my own life, and I like it.”

“What is it?” he asked.

“When I notice something going well, I say it, right then. I notice it out loud. I give it importance for a minute. And people seem to appreciate it. My sense is it builds trust.”

He nodded. “You’ve done it with me. More than just that email. And you’re right. I appreciate it.” Changing tones, he said, “I could certainly do more appreciation out loud at home. I’m not so sure I could do it at work.”

“Why not?” I asked.

“You know, it’s kind of rough and tumble around here. I’m not sure public praise wouldn’t be seen as weak.”

“Oh, that’s interesting,” I said.

Jon said, “With Matthew, he’s put a lot of effort into changing how he works. I think everyone would understand if I gave him some public recognition. But if I start giving praise every time the thought crossed my mind, I’d …” He stopped, considering.

Then he said, “I don’t know. Maybe it would be great. I’m going to have to think about that.”

Jon started giving positive feedback spontaneously. He found it created a virtuous cycle: as he got more comfortable giving positive feedback, it became easier for him to notice what was going well. He wasn’t sure he was motivating or inspiring people yet, but he was experiencing himself as lighter and more optimistic, which felt like a shift toward The Look & Sound of Leadership.