Introversion as an Obstacle
Matt had been an officer in the Air Force before joining a publicly held manufacturing corporation. He’d risen steadily and was now enjoying his role as a vice-president in charge of a busy division.
His background as an engineer gave him the knowledge to understand the work at a deep level, but his current position demanded he move quickly. Each day, he interacted with many different people across many different projects. He found the scope of work exciting but by each day’s end, he was exhausted.
The old military voice inside him told him to just push through it. Man up! But he couldn’t deny how depleted he was.
He petitioned for a coach, specifying he wanted to work with an extrovert. When asked why, he said he believed his energy was being drained because he was an introvert. He wanted to learn from a natural.
After interviewing several coaches, he picked me. (And, yes, without doubt, I am an extrovert.)
When we first met, I said, “It’s interesting to me that you identify your introversion as an obstacle.”
“Well, it’s not always,” he said. “I love my introversion when I can close my door and think deeply about things. And I’m really good one-on-one. Again, that’s my introversion working. So, in its place, it’s great. But, yes, right now it is an obstacle.”
“In what way?” I asked.
“Well, start with the visibility. I talk to so many people every day now. I can do it, but man, it chews me up and spits me out. By dinner, I’m toast. And I still have an hour or two of email every night, but my brain is mush. I feel stupid.”
I asked, “Have you ever done the Myers-Briggs Type Inventory?”
“Yes! My squadron did it a long time ago. I was off the charts on introversion,” he said. “That’s where I first heard this idea about introverts having their energy drained when they’re around people. That definition of introversion clicked with me the instant I heard it. I love people, but not for hours and hours uninterrupted. And unfortunately, at the moment, that’s what the job demands, so I’ve got to learn some new skills.”
“Great,” I said. “I hope I can help. Can I ask a question?”
“Sure,” he said.
“It seems you’ve been thinking about yourself as an introvert for a long time. What have you learned so far?”
“Let’s see. Oh! I’ll tell you something that’s made a big difference for me. I got it from Susan Cain’s book called Quiet. Do you know it?”
Introverts are Not Broken Extroverts
“I do,” I said.
“You remember? She makes a point that introverts aren’t broken versions of extroverts. We’re different, but there’s nothing wrong with us. I think I’d been carrying that idea of myself around with me a long time – that I was less effective because I was an introvert. Her book helped me stop believing that, so that’s one lesson I learned along the way.”
“Self-acceptance. Great lesson. What else?”
“What else? Having ideas ready. That’s been a huge help. You know, my preference when someone asks me a question is to stop and think before I answer. But these days? The pace doesn’t allow for quiet thought. And I don’t want to get left behind in a discussion, because, well, it can’t be good for me if I’m stuck thinking about some idea everyone else has already moved on from.”
“I can see that,” I said. “How does that relate to having ideas ready?”
He smiled. I sensed I was about to hear a story he’d told before.
“It started with a mentor of mine,” he said. “He saw how awkward I was with people. And I was. I made people uncomfortable. My timing was always off. But he taught me two things about talking with people. One, people like to talk about themselves. And they do! Which is fine with me. I’m happy to listen. And number two, have questions ready. His go-to was, ‘What’s the toughest problem you’re solving these days?’ He loved asking people that question. And I have one. ‘What’s exciting you these days?’ Having questions ready means I don’t have to stop and think.”
I nodded, saying, “I see how having questions ready in a chat situation is helpful. How does help when you want time to reflect before answering someone’s question?”
“Oh, well, it’s a little different, but it’s still planning and having ideas ready. I look at my calendar and I ask myself, what will be the questions in the morning meeting? Or what issue is on the agenda for that group in the afternoon? I think ahead and get some ideas ready. That way my brain doesn’t have to start from zero when the topic comes up.”
“Do you just mull things around in your head or do you rehearse out loud? How far do you go in your prep?” I asked.
An Introvert’s Calendar
“Listen, that’s part of the problem,” he said. “I have less and less time to do that type of planning. And I have more and more than needs it. So I’ll do a quick mental review. I’ll organize my thoughts. It’s helpful, and I’d be even better if I had even more time to plan.”
“Matt, I don’t know how this place operates, so pardon me for asking, but if you want time to plan, why can’t you have it?”
“I could, I suppose,” he said. “I just don’t want people waiting on me. I don’t want to be the guy who’s slowing everybody down.”
“Even though you seem to be paying a pretty high price for it,” I observed.
“It sucks either way, right?” He looked away, thinking. Then after a minute, he said, “Are you saying I could go back to my old way of scheduling things? Book myself transition time between meetings? Guarantee myself quiet hours?”
I shrugged, “You’ve been doing it the other way, and that doesn’t seem to be working out so well.”
He took in a breath and let it out. “Okay! I’m going to go back to my old introvert’s way of scheduling. Buffer time. Thinking time. People’ll get used to it, right?”
“I hope so,” I offered.
“What other eye openers do you have for me?”
“Actually, I’m learning a lot from you, Matt. Your lessons learned – ‘There’s nothing wrong with you’ and ‘Have ideas ready’ – they’re both great. And they happen to fall into two categories I think are important.”
“Categories of introversion?” he asked.
Two Factors for Growth
“No, categories of development.” I took a breath and said, “I talk with people all the time about developing new habits, showing up differently, displaying ‘The Look & Sound of Leadership.’ And whether, like in your case, it’s managing introversion, or mastering nervousness, or learning to be concise, whatever the issue is, I think there are always two categories of development to work on. Your thoughts: how are you thinking about the issue? And your skills: what skills are going to help you with the issue?
“Your two lessons divided perfectly into my two categories: thoughts and skills. ‘There’s nothing wrong with you.’ That’s a thought to manage. And having ideas ready, that’s a skill to manage. You’ve been developing both parts of yourself, which is why I’m not surprised you’ve already learned so much.”
“Well, thanks. And I’m still learning still,” he said. “Which is what the coaching is all about. So what lessons have you got for me?”
“I’m not certain. Can I start with a question? It seems you’re pretty comfortable talking with people.”
“One-on-one, yes,” he said.
“Why?” I asked. “Why is talking with people comfortable for you?”
“I like people. And I like listening to people, so it’s pretty comfortable,” he said.
“What about when they ask you about you? I assume they do at some point,” I said. “Are you comfortable when the tables get turned?”
He shrugged. “Yeah, but I get the topic back to the other person pretty quickly.”
“Because…?”
“I don’t like talking about myself. It’s easier for me when the spotlight’s on them.”
“But, Matt, you’re a vice-president now. I think people want to hear from their vice-presidents. I think part of the job is to have a clear voice about what you know and what you plan and what you think.”
“Oh. I thought you were talking about when the tables get turned during chat. That’s when I like the spotlight off me. I’m pretty guarded when it comes to chat.”
I put a pin in that idea, wanting to come back to it in a later session.
He went on. “That idea of talking about what you know and plan and think. I would not say that’s me at the moment.”
I held up my hands. “Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know your culture that well. That may not be the portrait of a strong VP here.”
“No,” he said, “telling people what you know, what you plan and what you think. That sounds like good leadership to me. And it’s 100% something I can plan for, so it’s completely doable. That’s great. What else have you got?”
Over many months, Matt and I talked deeply about introversion. He began to adopt a casual pride about his introversion. People began to talk to him about their own journeys as introverts. To his surprise, he found himself advocating for introverts, which, again to his surprise, infused him with The Look & Sound of Leadership.
