Bullies and Narcissists

Shankar was never shy during our coaching conversations to talk about his feelings about Peter, his CEO. They’d known each other for years as senior executives in the world of high tech and had even served together on a senior leadership team.

When Peter became CEO at a global tech corporation, he called Shankar and offered him a chief officer position. Normally, Shankar would’ve jumped at the chance, but in this case, he knew he’d be reporting to Peter. He’d seen Peter lead. He experienced him as weak on strategy and dangerously overconfident about his decision making.

After some debate, knowing full well he was signing on with a leader he didn’t respect, Shankar said yes.

Now, just over a year into the role, Shankar and I talked often during our coaching conversations about managing himself around Peter. We also often considered how he might orchestrate an exit from the company.

Then, one day, Shankar poured out his anger. “If any of us talked like that in a meeting to one of our direct reports, it would be totally unacceptable. But, in front of senior staff, he beats up on one of my direct reports? I mean, really? I’m done with him.

“I tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn’t. It was like he was some Goliath or something. He was going to do whatever the hell he wanted to do and whatever the hell we thought about it didn’t mean diddly squat. I don’t know if I can take it. I don’t do well with bullies and narcissists.”

“Who does?” I said.

Worrying Isn’t Helpful

“I’m serious, Tom. This isn’t good. I can feel it. This is way too personal. You’ve got to help me get back in balance.”

“Balance? What would balance look like here?” I asked.

“Reality,” he said. “We’ve talked about it. I need to see him for who he is and stop being angry that he’s not who I want him to be. I need to think of him as one more piece on the chess board. The biggest piece, for sure, but just part of the game. Not so upset. Accept reality.”

I said, “It seems that part of that reality, at least at the moment, is your anger. You are angry. And it’s perfectly understandable. I think you’d be out of balance if you weren’t. Are you okay with being angry at Peter?”

“Not if I can’t control it,” he answered.

“Shankar, are you worried your anger is going to make you blurt out something or have some outburst?”

“I don’t know. Probably not. But I just can’t understand how anyone would do that. Poor Irene. She just went white. And I didn’t react nearly fast enough. I’m going to be replaying that for months.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Shankar. Truly? Are you prone to worrying? I don’t know that about you.”

“I am,” he said. “Especially when something gets me pissed off like this. I’ve already lost sleep over this whole thing.”

“Sounds like you know this worrying part of yourself pretty well,” I said.

“Sadly, yes. I’ve been a worrier since high school. Sometimes the worrying helps, but most of the time it doesn’t. Like now. Which doesn’t stop it. I think that’s part of why I feel like I’m out of balance. I’d like to be able to turn the worrying off.”

How Will You Show Up?

I nodded, then said, “Shankar, I don’t know if this will help or not, but can I give you an idea?”

“Yeah, sure,” he said.

“No matter whether you worry or don’t, no matter whether Peter is a monster or a hero, you get to choose what kind of leader you want to be in this situation.”

“Control what I can,” he said, mostly to himself.

I nodded, saying, “Right. You get to choose how you show up, even in the face of this man you don’t respect. How will you show up to him? How will you show up to your team? To senior staff?”

He leaned back, “Sometimes it’s hard to remember I have choice. I get so reactive.”

I agreed. “Which is a hundred-percent normal. You called it. Bullies and narcissists are exhausting.”

He said, “You know what I’ve been asking myself? If I keep my mouth shut and play the good soldier, am I condoning his behavior?”

“And? What’s the answer? Are you?” I asked.

“Sure looks like it, doesn’t it? All of us. We’re all treating him like he’s normal, and he’s not. I feel like we’re all kids and we have a crazy dad and we all just want to keep the peace, so no one says anything.”

“Is that condoning the behavior? Or surviving?” I asked.

“Could be both, couldn’t it?”

Surviving or Condoning?

“Can I tell you how I think about that question?” I asked.

“Please,” he said.

“The question is, does being a good soldier mean you approve of his behavior? I don’t think so and here’s why. Peter is your boss. You’re not in a personal relationship with him. His behavior isn’t yours to approve or disapprove. But it’s in your face. You are reacting to an extremely challenging leadership pattern. I do not see your reaction as colluding.”

“Is that how you see Peter? His egotism is part of a pattern?” he asked.

“Don’t you?” I asked. “You’ve worked more closely with CEOs than I have. Is this egotism a pattern you’ve seen before?”

He gave a quick snort. “I suppose.”

“And how’s it been?” I asked.

“It’s funny. It makes me think of this guy, Vijay. He was department head, and the department was having all kinds of problems. Everyone knew the real problem was Vijay, except him. I used to get so angry, it would eat me up. What finally calmed me down was when I shifted from thinking ‘he’s the problem’ to thinkin, ‘where’s my leverage?’ I just made it about the business. Figure out what matters to him and pay attention to that. That was a good shift for me.”

“Would you ever talk to Peter about what’s upsetting you?” I asked.

“That’s he’s an overconfident egomaniac who sucks at strategy and always has? I don’t think so. Do you think I should?”

“Not necessarily,” I said, “but you could. It depends on the game you want to play. You could play for success despite him, in which case you wouldn’t talk to him about it. Or you could play to influence his impact, in which case you might.”

“I’d never have thought you’d suggest I try and change him,” he said.

“Change? No. You’re right, trying to teach him anything will probably not go to go well. But I do think you could have a conversation with him about the impact he’s having.”

“Seriously?” he asked. “What would that even sound like?”

A Business Case for Change

“Make it a business case. Tell him you think the company is missing out on – I don’t know – speed or retention or growth. And that he could help if he would –again, I don’t know – by encouraging your team or managing his calendar differently. Whatever. But you get my point? Talk about the impact as a business issue.”

“Feels like a big risk with him, but maybe not. It would certainly be different from any conversation I’ve had with him before.”

I said, “I understand it’s a risk. I want to say, from my experience, I have talked with leaders, one in particular, who was completely aware of his impact on people. He knew it was happening but didn’t know how to stop it. He was glad to be able to talk about it with someone.”

“But I’m not a coach. I don’t see Peter opening up to me about anything personal.”

“Trust your instinct, Shankar.”

“You know what I think about?” he asked.

“What?”

“About me having the same blind spot. You know, these jobs make you feel entitled. We work our asses off and we sacrifice a lot, but we get a lot of perks. And it’s easy to feel like it’s your due, that the company owes you. I’m responsible for almost seven thousand people. There are times I feel I’m owed some gratitude for the weight I carry around every day. And I’m sure Peter’s got it a hundred times worse. But look what it’s created. He’s out of touch and doesn’t know it.”

I shook my head. “Sounds so hard.”

“Yes, but…” he said. “The problem is that ego gets rewarded at this level. I’m not saying I like it. And I don’t want it for myself – but yes, it takes a big ego to play at this level. So, with Peter, I have to remember, we’re all just doing our best. He’s just another piece on the chess board.”

Shankar wrestled with his feelings about Peter every time we spoke. By the time the coaching ended, he found more ways to show up the way he wanted to, which pushed him a long way towards The Look & Sound of Leadership.